Overwhelming Sorrow

Today has been a hard day.  I miss my babies. I feel incomplete.  I wonder why life is so hard.  I wish I had answers.  There are times I wish I could see into the future to see what's ahead but then I'm glad I can't because what if there is more heartache there?  Would I go willingly or would I choose to stay behind? 

A Brush With Death and The Joy of New Life

I think I'm ready to share Jacob's birth story.  I figure even if I'm not I better write it down before the details become fuzzy and I decide not to record the events.  I can't imagine ever forgetting how things happened but you never know given how time likes to rob us of things we hold dear. 

During my pregnancy I was adamant that I wanted to have a vaginal birth even though I had a previous c-section under my belt and most doctors don't like to do one after you've gone through a c-section.  I had delivered both Caroline and Madison via vbac (vaginal birth after cesearan) so I knew I could do it.  All of my children have laid breech and that has always been another issue for me.  Still, we've done external versions and turned them to be head down so that I could birth them vaginally.  It worked for everyone except Ben so I had high hopes that we could do this as well with our newest baby. 

Throughout my pregnancy the baby would be breech until the very end where he turned head down... well, at least according to the ultrasounds I was having every week.  I would have an ultrasound, they would say he was head down but then later at my regular OB appointment they would question if he was.  Still, we trusted the ultrasound and hoped he would stay put.  Because of my gestational diabetes and the fact I had once had a previous c-section, the doctors would not let me go past my 40 week due date.  They said they would induce if I had not had the baby before March 17th, my due date.  As we entered the 39th week of pregnancy we would schedule to induce to have our baby on March 16th.  I was disappointed that I wouldn't be going into labor on my own and also disappointed not to have a baby on St. Patrick's day but also relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about getting to the hospital on time and delivering a baby either at home or in the car on the way to the hospital.  After our delivery with William I was terrified of something going very wrong during delivery.  I just wanted our baby to be safe.

Friday, March 16th came and we checked into the hospital.  We took Kaylie and Emma with us to witness the birth and to help out.  The day started so good.  We had a wonderful nurse named Heather.  We kept her laughing and she whispered to me that she wished all her patients could be like us.   She would ask me many times what the baby's name was going to be and I would tell her that we weren't telling until he was born.  She would smile and try again.  She was a wonderful nurse.  When we checked in we found that I was 4 cm dilated and already contracting on my own.  It looked like we were meant to have a baby on that very day anyhow.  The doctor and midwife came in to check me and we discussed our plan of action.  We would start pitocin to increase contractions, when I felt it necessary, if at all, I would ask for the epidural, and we would watch how things progressed.  After we hit a certain point we would break my water and deliver the baby.  We were happy and it was exactly what I had been hoping for.

As the day passed on we upped the pitocin and contractions got stronger.  I didn't need the epidural quite yet so we decided to break my water to help things progress.  The baby's head was sitting high and we hoped that by breaking my water his head would drop down and put pressure on my cervix to speed things along (this is what we did with all the other children too).  Because I carried so much extra fluid we decided to try to nick the bag so that there was a slow trickle of fluid instead of a huge gush.  It worked until the first contraction.  With that contraction I once again flooded the bed and the floor beneath.  The midwife and the nurse were shocked at the amount of fluid but we just laughed and told them that we warned them!  Breaking my water brought on stronger contractions and I decided that I needed the epidural.

The anesthesiologist came and as he worked on putting my epidural in he and Mike talked about the Marine Corps.  It seemed the doctor's son was going into the Corps and Mike was telling him all about it.  Unfortunately, as nice as the doctor was he couldn't seem to get the medicine in my back the correct way.  He would have to redo it three times and each time it never quite took.   It did work for a little bit but within about 30 minutes I could fully move my legs and body.  Still, it did help lessen some of the pain of the contractions so I just let it go.  I was tired of being poked.

Shortly thereafter I felt like I needed to push and had the midwife check my cervix.  I was fully dilated and ready to push.  Both she and the OB came in to deliver.  As I was pushing I felt like something might be wrong.  I told the nurse that I was in a lot of pain, a different kind of pain.  I told her that I felt it along my abdomen.  She made mention to the OB that I had a "window of pain" and he got a very panicked look on his face.  He said to not call it that as for doctors that meant I had a uterine rupture.  She assured him that she only meant I had an area of pain where the epidural was not working.  I told her that the epidural wasn't working anywhere... that I felt everything and could move everything.  Still, I kept trying to push and deliver the baby.

As labor continued on I was becoming increasingly distressed by the fact that I knew I was not moving the baby down like I should be.  After birthing 8 other babies vaginally I knew what to do and knew I was not doing it.  I asked them about this.  As they checked me the midwife said, "Well, this baby is breech!  I can see his butt and his testicles!"  The OB looked as well and said, "I told you he was breech.  I knew it.  You said you felt his head but I didn't think he was head down."  To which the midwife replied, "You just wanted to deliver one last breech baby before you retire in July!"  As they joked and looked I began to feel even more upset.  If they even thought he was breech why didn't they do an ultrasound to check and to tell me what my options were?  I told the nurse that I didn't think I could birth him.  She told me to keep pushing and that if after a few more pushes I couldn't do it then we'd try something different.

I was in so much pain. I have delivered babies all natural before and this was different.  It was worse, far worse.  I knew something was terribly wrong.  This baby was not going to come out of me.  I was so tired and I knew that my pushing was ineffective.  I told Mike that something was wrong.  I told him I couldn't do it.  He said something to the doctor.  They stopped talking and asked me what I wanted to do.  I began to cry that they needed to take the baby by c-section and they needed to do it soon as something was very, very wrong.  It would take another 15 minutes of preparing before they took me to get the c-section done.  As they were wheeling me back the anesthesiologist talked to me about getting a spinal.  I told him that there wasn't enough time and that they just needed to put me under and take the baby.  I was so scared and beginning to really cry.  I knew there was something wrong and they weren't acting fast enough.  I pleaded over and over again with him to please just put me under and take the baby.  I was almost frantic about it.  After asking me again about the spinal and me insisting they put me out they finally agreed. 

As I lay on the operating table I cried.  I was in so much pain and I was so scared.  I knew there was something wrong but just didn't know what.  The pain I was feeling was a pain I never knew before.  Heather, my nurse, was right there by my side talking to me.  I told her I was scared.  She said things would be ok.  I held her hand and looked up at her.  Through my tears I whispered, "His name is Jacob."  She smiled at me and told me it was a beautiful name.  I didn't tell her that I told her because I wanted to say his name out loud at least once while he was alive.  I was certain he was not going to make it to my arms.   Right after that they put a mask on me and I was asleep.

When I awoke Mike was beside me holding my hand.  I whispered, "Is the baby ok? Is Jacob ok?"  He smiled and told me he was perfect.  I cried a little and was so relieved.  Before I knew it though my OB was standing over me saying, "You must never get pregnant again.  Do you understand?"  I looked at him confused and just whispered, "Yes."  I would later find out that the pain I was feeling so intensely was my uterus rupturing.  As the doctor began the c-section he discovered that not only did my uterus rupture but it came apart into pieces. He said putting it together again was like putting together a jigsaw puzzle.  On top of this my bladder also ruptured.  He and two other doctors would spend 3 1/2 hours putting both my bladder and my uterus back together. 

Mike told me that he was able to be in the operating room during the delivery and the other surgeries. The anesthesologist told him that since he was a Marine he thought he could handle being in the room with us.  He said at one point he was really scared as my nurse Heather and another nurse hugged and started to cry while the doctor was doing surgery on me. They were sure I was not going to make it through.  I would lose a tremendous amount of blood and I almost required a transfusion.  The OB said that because I had been on the table for so long they just wanted to get me closed back up and out of anesthesia.  Because I had lost so much blood, was under for so long, and had already almost died they decided not to do a hysterectomy at that point.  The doctor would tell me later that he was worried that I would not make it through another surgery.  

Recovery has been hard.  I would go home from the hospital with a catheter for 2 weeks and I have fought my iron levels tooth and nail trying to get them to go up. I truly thought I was dying during those first two weeks.  The pain was terrible and it seemed like everything was shutting down on me.  My legs swelled and I had a hard time walking, my left kidney also began to swell and caused me so much pain, and I couldn't eat and could hardly swallow because of the tube that had been put down my throat.  My throat was scratched and swollen.   At one point the doctor was considering putting me back in the hospital for a blood transfusion because my iron was so low.  The pain from my incision has not been so bad but I have a lot of pain inside.  I know that it's my bladder and uterus trying to heal. 

At my 6 week post partum appointment the midwife would tell me how amazed she was at how my body is healing.  She said that my cervix and vagina, both which had tears and damage, were completely healed.  The OB that delivered me requested that I see him when I came in for my appointment even though I had scheduled with the midwife.  He came to the room I was in and hugged me tightly and in his thick accent said, "Oh, I'm so happy to see you!  I was so scared the day you delivered. That was one of the scariest deliveries I have ever done.  It looked like a bomb went off inside of your body!  I just can't believe you made it through and are doing so good today!"  I smiled and thanked him for saving my life and for saving Jacob's life.  He grinned again and patted my shoulder and said, "I just can't believe it!"

So today, I sit here, so very thankful that I have little Jake in my arms but so very sad that I've been advised not to have more children.  My heart breaks at the thought.  I know that it would be dangerous to do so and of course my living children have to come first. Still, it doesn't take away the feeling that I want more children and feel like there are more out there for our family.  Perhaps they will come a different way though.  I don't know.  I just know that in my joy there has been so much sorrow too.  I often wonder why we have had to go through so much.  I have always said though that God will open my womb and God will close it.  Living according to His will is hard.  It has been hard to be open to life no matter the cost.  Before the cost has been adding children when we are financially struggling, losing babies both early on and later in pregnancy, and enduring the ridicule by others about our family size and faith.  Now the cost is losing my fertility. 

I realize that I can still have children but I know that it is better not to.  For me it's worse to know that I physically can get pregnant but I shouldn't because it could kill me.  I wish they had been able to take out my uterus at the birth so I wouldn't have to think about it and wouldn't have to worry each month about the possiblity.  Still, I am trusting in God to keep me safe and I will be doing all that's in my power and within my faith and beliefs to keep myself safe as well.  I don't ever intend to get pregnant again and that hurts my heart so much. 

I thought having Jake would heal my heart of all the pain we've been through.  He has healed some of that pain but in other areas his birth has created more.  Still, I look at him and know that he is worth it.  I have always said that I would give my life for any one of my children, both born or unborn.  I almost had to give my life for Jake.   I would do it again any day.  I love him so much and am so glad he is here.  I look at him and know that God's plan are always the best and I am glad that I have faith.  If I didn't I don't know how I would have gotten through all that we have had to go through. 

I'm still dealing with all of this and still struggle daily with it.  Still, I am holding fast to my love for my children and my love for God.  Any sacrifice I have to make for either is one I make with all my heart and soul.  I know that I have been so blessed to have 10 beautiful children to hold in my arms.  I grieve those we've lost and now I grieve the loss of the children we could have had.  It makes me sad that I don't hold all my children in my arms but I know they wait for me and one day I will hold them again.  As for grieving my fertility, I know one day things will not seem so bad and I'm looking forward to that day, but for now, I will cry over this loss and trust in God's will for our family.  I am thankful to be alive and so thankful that Jacob made it here so perfectly. 

Sweetness

Jake is doing pretty good... he'd be doing better if we could get him on a schedule or get him to like other people besides me. He will sit sometimes with the kids (especially Savannah) but most of the time he wants me. It's been exhausting. He is sweet though and I feel so blessed that he made it to our arms. The kids are in love with him but the newness is wearing off and the fighting over who gets to hold him or try to feed him is done. They all will help but it's no longer a race to see who gets to first. On a regular basis, though, I hear from them a dozen times a day about how cute or how sweet he is. It makes my heart melt.

I am healing. This week was a long one. We were getting ready for Mike's parents to come and meet Jake for the first time. I think I overdid it and was very sore and had new pains crop up over the weekend. I need to know my limits but it's hard when you are used to just going and doing what needs to be done. I know it's going to take a while but I'm ready now to be better. It's another frustration that I have at the current moment!

I wish I had a crystal ball to know what to expect in the future. I want to know that I am going to heal completely and how long it's going to take. Unfortunately I don't have the crystal ball so I have to be patient. I've been told I have the patience of Job. I guess that I'm going to have to muster all that I have during this time. I'm tired of being patient but I have no other choice. I also realize that many people carry many crosses and that right now this is my cross to bear. I hope I can bear it with grace and dignity. It's so hard.

I am ready to feel like myself again... both physically and emotionally. I look at Jake and know that it was all worth it though. Still, I'm ready to feel good again. I'm praying that this happens soon.

Jacob Liam

After a very long and emotional ride through the last two years we were blessed on March 16th as jacob Liam entered the world and our arms. He was 8 lbs 9 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. He has blond hair and blue eyes and is loved so deeply by so many it's amazing.

His birth story will have to wait for a little bit since I am still not quite up to writing it out. He was born via emergency c-section after trying to push him out breech. It was a very scary situation and one that would change our lives forever. My uterus ruptured severely as did my bladder. It required 3 1/2 hours of surgery to put back together. The last two weeks of recovery have been hard, made harder by the knowledge that I am not to get pregnant again as my uterus was so badly damaged they fear that it won't hold another pregnancy at all. My heart is hurting every bit as much as my body has been hurting but we will get through this all with our faith anchoring us not only to God but to each other.

We are so thankful that both Jake and I were able to make it through the birth. We were told that it almost wasn't so. But we are both here and so thankful for the life that God has blessed us with and plan to cherish it even more than before. It's hard walking through this storm. It seems like there is no end to the rain and to the trials. I know there is though... I just have to be patient and to trust. I know that once my physical healing is going better that my emotional and spiritual healing will be a little easier too, at least I hope they will. It may be easier to focus on the physical right now and the tougher road is yet to come. I don't know.

Jake is beautiful and he is perfect. I couldn't ask for anything more. I have always said I would give my everything for any one of my children, born or unborn. I never knew how hard it would be to sacrifice my fertility but to hold him in my arms is worth it. I pray each of my children know how much I love them and that I would sacrifice equally for them.

Thank you for your love and prayers. We are still in need of them. We are celebrating the new life that has been gifted to our family through Jacob's birth. We are also mourning the loss of a way of life that we have been devoted to for our entire marriage. I have no idea where we go from here just that we will go together and with faith. I feel like I'm in the dark and reaching out not knowing what's out there for us. It's a frightening feeling. I am praying that God will guide us and that He will help ease this pain, both in my body and in my soul.

We have been blessed beyond belief and I am so thankful every day for those blessings. I am trusting, I am waiting, I am hoping in the Lord and I am loving my children with all my heart and soul.

He's Coming!

Today we scheduled an induction for Friday morning if our little man doesn't decide to come on his own tonight or tomorrow. We have to be at the hospital at 8 am to check in and start things going. I'm so nervous and scared! I am praying so hard that everything goes smoothly and as much as I hoped for a St. Patrick's Day baby more than anything I am wanting this baby to be safe in my arms.

I am having contractions and signs of labor so maybe he may come tomorrow. We'll see but even if he doesn't I know that I'll be holding my little boy in just a day or so! Please keep us in your prayers as we face labor and delivery. Thank you!

Honored

Last Saturday I was completely honored to be named the Catholic Woman of the Year for our parish. I was shocked to receive the award and humbled to be among so many wonderful women in our diocese.

At the end of January, while attending our Winter Snow Ball fundraiser for our youth group, I was approached by one of the women in our parish who showed me a piece of paper and whispered to me, "I wanted to let you know that you were chosen as our Woman of the Year by the Council of Catholic Women. Father put his stamp of approval on our nomination too. We were asked to tell you now so you could plan to attend the Mass that the Archdiocese will be having in honor of all the women who are receiving this award in their parish on March 3."

The only thing I could squeak out, with tears in my eyes, was a simple question, "Me?"

I was dumbfounded and completely humbled. There are so many women in our parish who do so much to help out. So many who deserve the honor more than I do! I volunteer for many things but never with the hopes of being rewarded for it.

I had hoped and prayed that this little boy would stay put long enough for us to attend the Mass. Thankfully he did! At 38 weeks of pregnancy there was a real question of whether or not he could. I was so thankful that I was able to attend and to be surrounded by so many other women who were receiving the award too. Mike and the kids were there with me (although they didn't sit with me). It was wonderful to know they were in the pews as well supporting me and cheering me on.

As a stay at home mom it's not often that I receive any recognition for the things I do. I'm sure most stay at home moms find the same to be true for them. While I never do the things I do (both at home or at church or anywhere else) for recognition, every now and again it's nice for someone to give you that encouragement that what you are doing is making a difference. With all that has gone on in our lives over the last couple years it was nice to have that pat on the back and that encouragement that said, "you are making a difference".

I've often written about being open to God's will in our lives. Many times I'm talking about pregnancy and children but for us it means being open in all aspects of our lives. Sometimes it's hard to make everything work when you feel like you are being pulled in all different directions. This honor made me feel like the work that I am doing, the decisions that we are making, and the life we are living is exactly where we are supposed to be. It was a good feeling to feel like we are on the right path.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

It seems as if there is a sliver of light at the end of this terribly long tunnel we've been traveling down for so long. This road has been a long, hard one. One I never wish to have to travel again. I'm thankful that I can finally see that tiny bit of light that has probably always been there but that has been blocked by the tears and frustration I have had over the last two years.

Today at my doctor's appointment I was told that if I don't go into labor on my own before March 12th I will be brought in to have my water broken and to give birth. While I was hoping to go all the way to my due date, March 17th, it is nice to know that we have date to look forward to.

I know that it's probably better to go into labor on my own, and more than likely will do just that, but the emotional turmoil I've had building over giving birth has been absolutely overwhelming and I'm glad to have this tiny bit of "control" over what may happen. I know that by that date my body will be just fine for giving birth and I know that it's not pushing the baby to come out before he's ready.

As of today I am dilated between 2-3 cm and my cervix is soft and starting to thin out. In two weeks from now, if I make to then, I have no doubt whatsoever that this little man will be able to be born safely. The specialist is trying his hardest to help me avoid another c-section. After having to vbacs it's hard to think of just having a c-section just to have one because I was unfortunate enough to have to have one before. With my gestational diabetes and my previous c-section I know they are being cautious to bring me in a little early. I have no problem with this especially since the goal is to vaginally birth this baby and the doctors are on board.

I am scared to death of going into labor on my own, especially of my water breaking. I know it's a psychological thing but I know if it happens at home or any other place except the hospital I am going to probably freak out. Well, maybe not outwardly, as that's not my style, but definitely it will be an internal freak out! I'm praying that I go into labor on my own and do what I did with Caroline and Madison and walk into the hospital with contractions and dilated to 6 cm at least.

I have no doubt that this birth is going to be an emotional one. My heart is aching so much to hold this little boy already. I'm praying he heals the holes in my heart and that he brings closure to this torment that I have felt for the last two years. It was on March 2, 2010 that I delivered Joseph, so tiny and so still. That delivery, while at home and peaceful as compared to William's delivery, started us on this downward spiral where it seemed that we would never welcome another child into our family. After losing Joseph we hoped with Sarah only to lose her. We hoped with William and had that hope dashed. When I found out I was pregnant with this little boy I truly didn't want to hope. Still, I did. I am so thankful that I did. I'm so thankful for that tiny light I see now shining just ahead of me. It has gotten brighter and brighter with each day that passes. I am praying with everything in me that so soon we will step out fully into the light, holding a little baby boy tightly in our arms, ready to bring him home to our family.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I know that over the last two years I never could have made it without the hopeful prayers and gentle words of encouragement that I have had from you. Truly, I can never thank you enough.

I can't wait to share our little one with you. We are so very close now and I am praying that things will go perfectly. I need this little one in my arms. My husband needs him. My children need him. So many others need him as well. He is a shining example of faith and hope. My heart is so ready to heal and my arms are so ready to be full.

Toothless

Ok, so not really but I'm feeling sorry for myself and I might as well be toothless at this very moment.

I found out that I desperately needed to have a root canal on two different teeth. I had been putting off some tooth work for a while now due to finances, pregnancy and depression from earlier on. It just wasn't feasible to get the work done that I needed done. Unfortunately because I put it off for so long when I went in to get the work done that I needed done I was informed that nto only did I need root canals but then I was going to have to have crowns put on both as well. I told them we'd go ahead and set that up and to please let me know what it was going to cost me out of pocket.

And then the shoe dropped. Our insurance changed at the beginning of the year for both medical and dental. Turns out my dentist, my beloved dentist that all my children love, my dentist that we've been going to for almost 13 years, the dentist and staff who absolutely love when I bring all the kids in on one day and take up their entire morning... that dentist is no longer in my network of providers. Combined with the fact that the out of cost pocket was going to be sky high we decided that I wasn't going to be able to do a root canal and crowns. There was just no way. Still, I had to have something done and preferrably before the baby comes.

Today I had that "something" done. I had those two teeth pulled. We'll do partials later when my mouth has healed and we have more money to do so. This shouldn't be so devastating to me but it is. You see, the nurse that orginally told me which teeth needed to be pulled told me wrong. It wasn't until I was sitting in the chair and they pulled the first tooth that I understood what they were doing. Here I thought I was getting two back teeth pulled (the second and third from the back) but really one of the teeth was closer to the front than I thought. I ended up with the 3rd and 4th from the back (which makes it also the 4th from the front). I figured that you wouldn't be able to see the missing teeth if they were ones in the back but to have one more upfront (or at least on the side) shocked me. It wasn't until the tooth was pulled that I realized and by then it was too late.

When we were done I got in my car and I cried. I had joked for a week (since finding out we couldn't afford the other procedures) that I would be a hillbilly. Getting in the car with those teeth missing made it not so funny afterall. I've been having a pity party for myself since. I know that it's not "that" noticeable (or at least that's what the kids say) but I still think you can see that there is a huge gap there. Not only that but it hurts and it feels weird. I don't like it.

In my family I was always teased for wearing glasses as a kid. When I got contacts then I got teased for my nose being big. I was teased that I was fat (and I wasn't at all but my sisters were stick thin). I grew up feeling really bad about myself. That has continued on to my adult life. I've never felt pretty. I have always been happy that I was the only one in my family who never had to have braces, who had no cavities as a kid, who had the only perfect teeth in my family. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so vain about that. Still, I did. Now, I am missing teeth. I feel even uglier. It stinks.

I was crying in my room about it after my appointment and Bella came in and told me that I would be pretty even if I had no teeth. It made me smile. A few of the other kids who were in the room chimed in as well. It made me feel better. I know that I shouldn't hold on to those feelings that I had as a kid where perfectly straight and cavity free teeth make me feel good but it's hard not to. It's amazing how the things that we experience as kids can keep haunting us as adults. I've never felt good about my looks or my body, even before I had kids. Now, with missing teeth, it's even harder to feel good.

I know that getting these two teeth pulled is not the end of the world but when the day was a bad one to begin with, well, it just makes it seem that much more devastating. I have survived worse. I know I need to just buck up and accept that this is how it is. I just wish it didn't make me feel so financially poor, so ugly, so down.

Schmitty

Schmitty is 3 months old now. He's a pretty good cat. He's a little crazy though. I suppose he fits right in here. Yesterday I took part in the following conversation...

Emma, "Kaylie, I think I know why Schmitty threw up today."
Kaylie, "Yeah, because we spun him around in a laundry basket."
Me, "You what?"
Kaylie, "Well, it wasn't for very long!"
Me, "Uh, long enough to make the poor cat sick!"
Kaylie, "No, really, it wasn't for very long. I mean, he couldn't walk well but it wasn't for long."
Me, "No more of that!"

Last night the poor cat threw up again. This time though no one had spun him in a basket. In fact it was his own fault. I mean, really, what cat eats butter and boiled potatoes? This one sure does. It'd be easy to see him doing that if he had ever been feral but we got him at 5 weeks old from his mama who was kept inside. He has no reason to scavange. Still, he eats just about anything. I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of his weak stomach given the fact that there are so many little people here who can't seem to keep food on their plates.

It's funny how quickly an animal becomes family like Schmitty has. He loves to play with the kids and the dog and he loves so much to bug our big cat, Captain Hook. He's a stinker that's for sure but we've really grown to love his antics. He sure puts up with a lot but he gives out a lot too. He fits right in :)

34 Weeks

I am 34 weeks pregnant now. It doesn't seem possible to me that I am almost done with this pregnancy. I have tried my hardest to enjoy every minute of it and to be happy just to be pregnant again, expecting a little boy who will add so much to our family. I've had a lot of ups and downs throughout the pregnancy that I haven't talked about much because I didn't want to focus on the bad things instead of the good. I fully realize that this very well could be my last pregnancy. I know that I've said it before but I know given my age and my "lady health" that it truly could be my last. I hope not, but that is something that I've given over to the Lord.

Last night I had a scare. I guess really given how far along I am it wasn't a "scare" but more of a wake up call that this is going to happen soon. I know if the baby was born now he'd more than likely be ok but I sure hope he stays put a while longer.

Mike got called out to a drug bust on the east side of Atlanta. Of course being west of Atlanta this was quite the trek for him. I had started having contractions yesterday somewhere between 4pm and 5pm that were pretty consistent. I made supper and tried my hardest to ignore them. By about 7 pm they were getting harder and closer together but still not enough to go the hospital. About that time Mike got a call that he had to go. He insisted he eat supper first with us and then headed out the door. I told him that if I called him I didn't care what in the world he was doing but he better answer the phone. I know that most of the time when he's out on a drug bust like that he can't answer the phone but I needed him to know that this time the baby and I trumped any and all drug dealers. I promised I wouldn't call unless I truly thought we needed to head to the hospital.

As the night wore on my contractions weren't letting up. On top of them I also started getting a migraine. I'm pretty sure that the stress of him being gone triggered it. I decided the best way to handle it all was to drink a lot of water and soak in a warm bathtub and put a cool washcloth on my head. Thankfully that seemed to help both problems.

While I was sitting in the bathtub I prayed the rosary. I prayed for our little one. I prayed for Mike's safety. I prayed for our lost babies and my friends who have lost babies. I prayed for my friends who are pregnant and those who have had babies recently. I just prayed. It was comforting.

But while praying I was also worrying. Worrying about how this birth is going to go. Up until this point I haven't put much thought into my birth because all I was focusing on was each day enjoying having my baby growing inside of me yet another day. There have been hard days where I cry for my other babies. There have been good days where I know that God is in control. But in all those days I never thought past that particular day. I just put one foot in front of the other. Last night reminded me of what is to come and that I need to start preparing.

As I sat in the water I suddenly became overwhelmed with the thought of giving birth. The last time I gave birth it was to a baby who was still. I remember so vividly the moment my water broke and I knew that he was not going to make it. I knew that I would never get to see him do all the things I had hoped and planned for him. The sound and the feeling of my water breaking will stay with me forever. Last night, while sitting in the tub, those thoughts and feeling were overwhelming. I started thinking about how in the world I was going to handle that moment during this pregnancy when my water breaks. Because I carry so much extra fluid with each pregnancy I know that moment is going to be big, it always is. But this time there will be something more added on to it.

I've always been scared of birth. I guess my first pregnancy I wasn't because I didn't know what was in store. But for every other pregnancy I have been scared. I know that I am strong enough to get through the pain but I still always worry. This time I am terrified. I want everything to go perfectly. I want my baby to be safe. I want to hear him cry. I want him to be placed on my chest and look into his tiny face and for him to quiet when he hears my voice. Until last night I put those thoughts out of my mind. I didn't want to think about the what ifs. Now, I have to. I'm right there at the pinnacle of this pregnancy. My heart races at the thought of his birth. I can only pray, like I did last night, that God continues to take care of our each and every need and that He will be holding my hand the entire time I am in labor.

I can't wait to see my little boy. I can't wait to kiss him. I can't wait to hold him to me and know that he is mine. It's not much longer now. I'm scared but I am so anxious to have my little one in my arms. I'm hoping that my faith and my love for him will help me through what I know is going to be a difficult and emotional time.

Angry

I'm not sure how to deal with the the feelings that I am suddenly feeling. I know what the stages of grief are and I'm not sure that I am dealing with one stage but perhaps I am. I've been angry in the past regarding all that we've gone through but this is something different. I'm trying to come to terms with it but just can't seem to figure it out.

January 26th was the year anniversary since my mother died of cancer. Unfortunately because of her death we never truly got to come to terms with William's death. I went almost immediately to help take care of her after we buried William. During her dying process we received so many heartfelt condolences and well wishes. I know that the people who gave them to us only mean the best. I appreciated every one of them. At the time, however, I also resented them. You see these were the same people who didn't seem to either care or know what to say to us regarding William's death that they said nothing. It hurt. It was like he wasn't important yet my mother way. Don't get me wrong, she was important but so was my son.

So forward to Thursday, I mentioned on my Facebook wall that it had been a year since my mother had passed. I am thankful for the well wishes but to be honest I posted because of my family who are on my wall. I know that many of them are still hurting so much. They needed the day to be recognized. As sad as it is, I know that my mother's passing has not changed my life at all. In the last year it would have been surprising if we had talked more than once or twice and I'm almost certain we wouldn't have seen each other. It makes me sad but it's just how it is. The strides we were making to perhaps have a better relationship probably wouldn't have changed much. Last year when my mother passed away I was angry at that fact... angry that she let so much time go and lost out on so much with my family. I tried for years and years and finally had accepted that it was just the way it was going to be. I felt terrible for my children as I always hoped they would have a great relationship with their grandparents but in the end it wasn't meant to be. She had little interest in our family and particularly our children.

So on Thursday after I wrote something about my mom passing someone else posted that I could have comfort in knowing that my mom was with my babies, rocking them and holding them. I know it was meant to comfort me. The person who wrote it is one of my best friends. She would never post anything to hurt me and yet it did. The more I thought about it the more upset I got. I got angry. I got angry with my mom and with God. How could He be so unfair as to make it so that my mom, the person who ignored my family for years, who readily admitted that I was right in some family problems that we were having and yet still couldn't stand up for me, who always put me on the back burner my whole life, who was so rude and ugly to me after the loss of Joseph... how could God allow her to be with my babies instead of my babies being safe in my arms? How was that fair?

My mother was not a good grandmother. I remember once telling her something that Kaylie had done and about what a great kid she was. My mother's response was something to the effect of, "She sounds like a good kid". How do you not know she's an amazing kid if you are her grandmother? It just boiled down to the fact that she didn't take the time, nor did she want to, to know her grandchildren. Heck, she didn't know me anymore either. To think of her getting to hold my babies, my sweet babies who I long for each and every day, just about killed me. It's not fair.

I thought I was over being angry. I guess I'm not. I spent the entire night crying in my bed Thursday night. I want to be holding my babies. I don't understand why I didn't deserve to keep them and yet my mother is spending time with them. I didn't think the thought of my mom holding them and rocking them would hurt so much but it does. I'm not sure how to move past this. It's such a new feeling for me. When I looked up the stages of grief it seems like this is not where I should be. I have gone through anger already. I have accepted. I have begun to move forward. I still cry and still miss my babies but it hasn't been like it was on Thursday. Pain I can't describe followed by an anger that I suprised me.

I know that my mother was a good woman. She touched many lives. Many people miss her so much. She was loved and wanted. I wish that things had been different and then maybe I would feel comfort by the thought of my mom sitting in heaven with my children surrounding her, holding her hands and loving on her. Instead I feel hurt. I feel jealous. I feel angry. I don't like feeling that way.

Harmony

Last year, when Garrett made his Confirmation I was one of the chaparones when he went on his retreat prior to his Confirmation. At the end of the retreat we each took a rock and wrote what was holding us back from having the relationship we are wanting with not only God but with each other. Afterward we threw that rock, and whatever was holding us back, into the lake, ridding us of that obstacle. Finally, we reached in a bag and withdrew another rock that was smooth and had a single word engraved into it.

To be honest I don't remember what I wrote on my rock that was holding me back. I guess when I threw it away I truly released it. However, when I pulled my new rock out of the bag I was a little disappointed. Supposedly this would be the area of our lives that we needed to concentrate on and work towards doing better at. When I reached in I pulled out a rock with the word "harmony" engraved on it. I wanted family or love or something of that nature. I remember thinking about why I might have pulled out the word harmony. I thought about my life, about my relationships, not just with my immediate family but with my extended family and with friends. When I really thought about it I knew that harmony was the place I needed the most work.

It used to be that I was the peacemaker in my family and within my circle of friends. Over the last 8-9 years though I become disheartened when people didn't want peace, they wanted to fight, they wanted to believe the worst about people, they wanted to hurt others. I found myself becoming hurt and feeling bad a lot of the time. I made the decision that I was done with that. I was done with people walking on me, taking me for granted, hurting me over and over again and getting away with it. I took it on myself to protect me and my family. I grew a hard shell around my heart. I stopped trying so hard to be the peacemaker.

What I found was that my life had less harmony in it. Those people who were acting so mean and cruel were still mean and cruel. Those people who took advantage of me still tried to do just that. Those people who wanted to hurt others still hurt others. The difference though was now there wasn't someone willing to help bring peace and harmony to all those hurting. On top of that I was still getting hurt and then feeling worse that I didn't do anything to stop the hurting of others.

I didn't tell anyone what I pulled from that bag. I just held onto it and decided to pray about it. When we went to Kansas City in July of last year Kaylie found a jewelry set in my inlaws basement. She asked my mother-in-law if she could have it. My mother-in-law said she could. She brought it to me and said she found something that she wanted me to have. The set had a beautiful jade colored necklace inside with an inspirational rock that said "harmony" on it. She said she didn't know why but when she saw it she thought of me. Talk about being hit over the head with a 2X4!

I told her the story of me pulling out a rock with the word harmony on it and that this seemed to me to be my wake up call that God was indeed telling me that I needed to really work towards harmony once again in all areas of my life.

So why am I thinking of this now? Well, there is some disharmony in my life and it's really bothering me. It has to do with one of my sisters and a very bad choice I believe she is making. I have talked to her about it and have since been "put in my place". It would be one thing if I hadn't been asked for my opinion but I was and so I gave her my truthful answer. It's not that I am against her but I am for peace and unity within her family and I know she won't achieve it through the means she is going about it. I have no idea what to do now. I want harmony. I don't want her to hurt but I also want what's best for her and because I am away from the situation I can see things perhaps she doesn't, or perhaps she doesn't want to see. I am not the only person to give her the advice I have given but I am the one she has cut off.

Harmony is hard to come by. It seems the harder you work for it the harder it is to come by sometimes. It's frustrating. My prayer for today is that I don't have to work towards harmony on my own. That those around me work towards it too, especially those I love.

New Year's Resolutions

I wrote a piece about New Year's Resolutions over at the Catholic Sistas page. This year I'm using reverse psychology on myself. I made up a list of things I'm going to "do" knowing that I always fail at my New Year's goals. That way when I fail I actually win! I'm not sure many who've read it so far have gotten my concept and maybe they think I'm not taking it seriously. But it's meant to be a funny piece on New Years Resolutions and how to ultimately keep them. I'm hoping I'm able to fool myself into truly keeping my goals :)

So, what are your New Years Resolutions?

Tales From the Side of the Tub

Otherwise titled "How I Spent My New Year’s Eve"

After scrubbing my bathtub and cleaning the bathroom yesterday I bent over to pick something off the ground and felt something pop in my back. For weeks now it’s felt like my back might be trying to go out but yesterday it did. I made my way to my bed and layed down. I immediately knew that this was going to impede my New Year’s Eve plans. Not that I had much planned out with Mike, Garrett and Savannah being gone, but sitting on the floor playing a mean game of championship Candyland was now out of the question.

Later, after eating supper I decided to soak in the bathtub for a little while to see if it would ease any of the pain in my back. I went to my room and undressed, got in the tub, turned on the water and started so try to relax. Then Anna decided that she might need to “help” me through my warm water therapy.

Anna, “Mama, do you think taking a bath is relaxing?”
Me, “Yes, sometimes.”
A, “Yeah… except when someone comes in and bugs you, right? Like when Madison or Caroline bug you in the tub. They just talk and bug. Well, Caroline is the whiny one and Madison is the a-nnoy-ing one. Aren’t you glad they are in bed? I think I’m going to keep you company.”
M, “Yes, very glad they are in bed. Thank you for keeping me company.”
A, shrieking a small shriek, “There’s a spider over here! I’m going to kill it!” She runs out of the bathroom into my room to get a shoe. Coming back she hits the spider several times, finally getting it and it lands on the side of the tub. I flicked it off and said thank you. She giggled at where it landed and the shrieked again since it was not all the way dead. She hit it over and over again until there was no denying it had met its maker.
M, “Now you need to clean him up!” She did and then came back.
A, now at the side of the tub, pulling back the curtain which I closed for a little bit of privacy, “So, are you just going to lay there? Or are you just going to sit? When Bella and me sit in the tub together thewater goes way up.”
M, “I’m just going to sit here for a little bit and see if it helps my back.”
A, “Hmm…. your bathroom is clean. You know our bathroom isn’t very clean. Hey did you know that Madison got soap stuck in her hiney? I thought it was funny.”
M, “Ummmm…”
A, getting up from the side of the tub and going near the toilet, “I like that you have magazines in your bathroom. That way if you are pooping you can just sit and read a magazine too. We don’t have those in our bathroom. Oh! Look at this big one. It’s about houses. I think I’m going to read this one!” (she starts flipping through a house plans book and then brings it over by the tub) “Look at this one! I like this one!”
M, “Yes, it’s very nice.”
A, “And it has a fountain! I wish we had a fountain!”
M, “Yes, a fountain would be nice.”
A, “So, does the water help your baby too?”
M, “ I suppose so. It helps relax my whole body so it relaxes him too.
A, “That’s nice. Baths are relaxing.”

Ben enters the bathroom to join in our party.
B, flinging open the rest of the curtain, “So, whatcha doing? Taking a bath? “
A, “She is taking a bath, it’s relaxing! “ At which point I figured it was not worth arguing about if I was relaxed or not.
B, “Why are you just laying there?
M, “Well, I’m trying to let my back rest and maybe feel better.”
B, “That’s weird. “
A, “Yeah, she’s just been sitting there.”
B, “So, is your baby taking a bath too?”
M, “Yes, I suppose he is.”
B, “What happens if he dies?”
M, “I would be very sad.”
A, “Yeah, me too.”

Ben, running off down the hall now, yelling for Bella, “Bella! Hey, come quick… Mama’s taking a bath!” Isabella came running down the hall, into my room and then into my bathroom.
I, “So, you’re taking a bath?”
M, “Yes.”
I, “That’s so weird.”
M, “Why?”
I, “Because you’re naked!”
M, “Well how do you take your baths?”
I, “I lay down.”
M, “But you are naked aren’t you?”
I, “Yes, I guess, but it’s weird that you are naked in the tub!”
A, “Yeah, it’s pretty weird.”
B, “So, when is it candy time?”
M, “Well, we’ll have candy in a little bit.”
B, “Ok, I can wait.”

I turn to be on my side instead of sitting upright.
Anna, super interested in this newest change of events gets up on her knees on the side of the tub, “So, now you’re going to lay in the tub on your side?”
M, “It appears that way.”
B, also getting on his knees on the side of the tub to have a better look for himself, “Yes, she’s on her side now.”
I, “Does it feel better to be on your side?”
M, “Not so much but I thought I might try something different.”
B, “I bet I can touch the other side of the bathtub without falling in!”
A, “Me too!”
M, “Please don’t do that because if you fall in you’ll land on my legs and hurt my back even more.”
B, “Would we hurt the baby too?”
M, “Possibly. It’s better if you just don’t do it.” They both got off their knees and sat on their hineys on the side of the tub.
B, “I was wondering something… why do mamas get milk in their boobies? I mean, they get big and everything. Look at yours… they are big and they have milk.” (insert a big deep sigh from me here)
M, “Boobies only have milk if the mama has a baby. I don’t have milk yet. When the baby comes I will.”
B, “Then why are your boobs SO big?”
M, “I guess I just am made that way.”
A, “Yeah, those are some big boobies!”
M, “I think we need to talk about something different.”
I, “It’s my turn on the Kinect!” She runs off to play her turn.
A, hearing Lady Gaga on the Kinect takes off running to see what’s going on. She comes back singing, “Poka, poka, poka face! Bella is dancing to Poker Face!”
B, “This is fun.”
M, “Sure is.”
A, putting her feet in my bath water, “I like taking baths too. Maybe I could take one.”
B, putting his feet in the water too, “Yeah, your water feels good! Why is your water warmer than ours when we take a bath?”
M, “I don’t know. I guess because you guys take baths one after the other and the warm water gets used up.”
B, “Yeah, that’s true.”
Isabella, running down the hallway after her song is done, “I’m back! Now I’m sweaty!”
M, “Guys, I think it’s time you left the bathroom so I can get out and dry off.“ (not that I was worried that they would see me naked, by now that wasn’t the issue but it was nice to have an excuse to make them go on!
A, “Ok, let us know when you are done so we can come back. I don’t want you to be bored tonight!”

This 30 minutes of my New Year’s Eve wasn’t what I was expecting it to be but I’m sure it’s one that I won’t ever forget. It reminds me of similar conversations I had with Savannah and Emma(and Bella and Anna were tinier!) when they were about the same ages. It’s funny how our lives change over time and what makes us smile and how priorities change. I know that even though I really hoped for some peace and quiet while I nursed my hurt back that me sitting talking with them for that time probably meant the world to them. I’m not sure they will remember the exact conversation but they will remember being able to sit and talk to me while I sat awkwardly in the tub. Ah, New Year’s… I always love being surrounded by the ones I love, this just takes it to a different level.

To read my of my previous adventures with Savannah and Emma perched on the side of the tub, click here :) http://georgiamama.blogspot.com/2006/01/joys-of-taking-bath-with-onlookers.html

Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours...

Merry Christmas! May God's blessings be with you now and always!